It is true, of course, that there are some folks who enjoy eating  Christmas fruitcake.  These are people who . . . at the mere thought of eating a slice of this Christmastide nuisance . . . experience their brains signaling their bodies to respond with such inordinate pleasure that, in order to for us to maintain some minimal sense of decorum, we must refrain from describing that response any further in this space.  Oh, yes, they love their fruitcake with an unholy passion.

We are not among them. 

Mercifully, fully ten years have elapsed since the last Christmas fruitcake made its way to us.  We believe in being neither wasteful nor ungrateful . . . and we strongly believe in having a good time.   So, on that Christmas afternoon, we  got some large trash cans . . . the sort you pull to the curb a couple of times a week . . . and decorated them with Christmas wrapping paper, complete with large, festive bows on the handles.  Then we marked off a significant distance in two-yard increments on the icy and snowy cul de sac . . . and proceeded to have a contest to determine who could make a basket from furthest away.  Several neighbors, who were similarly in need of exercise after the morning's festivities, joined us.  After we had all exhausted ourselves in the frigid Christmas afternoon air . . . and having fallen several times on the icy patches . . . we recycled the cakes as food for the squirrels in the front yard. 

Finding an appropriate way to express our thanks to those who 'gifted' us with the fruitcakes was difficult as we didn't want to reward them for their generosity lest they similarly gift us next year.  Eventually, we settled upon an engraved formal  'Thank You' card, into which we slipped a photo of our competition . . . and another of God's creatures gratefully enjoying the fruitcakes.  Most of the gifters remain our friends.  None have splurged to send us gifts of whatever sort at subsequent Christmas celebrations.

But there are other varieties of fruitcakes that we enjoy immensely! The most enjoyable one is the Christmas Tree itself.  Your Christmas Tree is many things after all . . . and this as true for artificial trees as it is for real ones. 

For starters, your tree can also be regarded as a magnificent scrapbook!  Unless you have decorated your tree following Martha Stewart's obsessive directions to produce a tree worthy of Macy's window . . . which completely defeats the purpose of having your own tree in the first place . . . it is hung with all sorts of mementos.  Things like a Christmas card from your first grade teacher; paper and felt ornaments on the lower branches that a toddler can't break . . .and which will survive being batted about by your cat just as soon as she climbs down from chewing on the angel at the tree's very top; photo ornaments of family members and friends going back into 'antiquity'; homemade ornaments you and your children have made over the years; and even some that your parents or grandparents had on their trees.  Hang all of that on your tree and you have an arboreal display of nostalgia, a.k.a. a scrapbook.  As you are, after all, the curator of your own memorabilia, you can change the 'exhibit' from year to year.  Hey, it works for The Smithsonian and other museums.  Why not yours?

But most important of all, your Christmas Tree is the world's best substitute for an edible fruitcake!  (We've never encountered an 'edible' one, but we grant that some folks disagree on this point . . . so in the spirit of the season . . . 'edible'.)  The aforementioned Christmas Tree decorations are, after all, like those strange things that inhabit the typical fruitcake's interior . . . and that sometimes even work their way up like buried tires in a farmer's field to cover the exterior of its top:  doubtless a form of 'bait' to lure the inexperienced and unsuspecting into actually cutting a slice and attempting to ingest it.
 
This year, whether you engage in competitive fruitcake tossing or not, enjoy your Christmas Tree!  It's the best fruitcake ever!

The picture below contains a number of ordinary bottle caps that have been elaborately gussified.  They make wonderful decorations for the Substitute Christmas Fruitcake mentioned in the article on the left!  A pin can be affixed to the back and worn as a 'broach' . . . or a small magnet can similarly be glued to the back and the bottle cap used to hold those 'decorations' that cover your refrigerator.  Come to think of it, your 'fridge is probably the biggest fruitcake in your house! 

If you need an additional way to further decorate your Substitute Christmas Fruitcake . . . but aren't the 'crafty type' . . . just download the picture of these bottle caps, first enlarging them if you wish . . . then print them up and cut and paste them to whatever you wish.  An ornament hanger or piece of yarn will hang your masterpiece.  Enjoy!